Creating a Plan (And Keeping Your Sanity)
As we explored in Part 1, understanding our own reactions as parents is a crucial first step in reducing conflict and providing meaningful support as our child navigates their return to school. Breaking the cycle of power struggles is key—because trying to control your child’s emotions is about as effective as nailing Jell-O to a wall. Sure, you might manage it for a second, but it’s going to get messy real fast. Kids are complex little humans with big emotions, unique perspectives, and an innate talent for resisting authority. Sound familiar? That’s because, deep down, we adults have the same rebellious inner voice shouting, “You can’t tell me what to do!”
A Dose of Hope: Climbing Everest, One Step at a Time
School refusal can feel like scaling Mount Everest without a map and low oxygen. But let me remind you that Sherpas do exactly that—and so can you! Similar to those seemingly superhuman mountain guides, we must rely on advanced planning, daily consistency, and intentional actions to acclimate to the environment and find the best path forward.
Advanced Planning: Managing Before the Meltdown
By now, you’ve (hopefully) started the groundwork outlined in Part 1: identifying triggers, replacing control with curiosity, and rebuilding positive connections. Now, it’s time to explore the emotional roots of school avoidance. School refusal is often linked to debilitating symptoms of anxiety, depression, or trauma, making school feel overwhelming. Kids aren’t fighting every morning because they enjoy it—they’re avoiding something they feel unable to handle.
Reframing School as a Challenge, Not a War
Identifying your child’s “whys” is the first step in helping them cope. Instead of seeing the school as a battlefield and yourself as the General, reframe your role as an ally — working together to uncover the root of the problem.. While your child is calm, show curiosity about their experience. What triggers their feelings of dread and panic - academic struggles? teacher? bullying? Navigating the social gauntlet that is the cafeteria?
Internationally renowned clinical psychologist Dr. Xavier Amador’s LEAP method offers a practical framework to approach these difficult conversations and partner with your child:
Listen: “What’s been the toughest part of school for you?”
Empathize: “That sounds really overwhelming; I’d feel the same way.”
Agree: “Math has been a struggle this year—do you have any ideas of what may help?”
Partner: Collaborate on a plan. Start small to encourage re-engagement: half-days, or just making it to homeroom.
Together, identifying root causes & brainstorm ways to make school less intimidating, empowers your child with a sense of control and support.
Daily Consistency: Managing During the Meltdown
Meltdowns will happen. Here are a few practical tips to assist you in handling some common scenarios:
The Mysterious Illness
Child: "I can’t go to school because I’m sick!"
Parent: "Ah, yes, the weekday flu that famously strikes at 7 a.m. and vanishes by 3:30 p.m. Shall we consult the magical thermometer?"
One of the toughest challenges parents face with school avoidance is navigating claims of illness. As caring parents, we naturally want to ensure our children recover from genuine sickness and avoid spreading illness to others. But when school avoidance is at play, it can be difficult to distinguish between infectious sickness and physical symptoms of emotional distress.
Pro Tips:
Validate their feelings. Avoid dismissing their claims as mere manipulation. Anxiety and depression can trigger genuine physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomachaches, fatigue, or nausea. These sensations are real and distressing for your child, even if their root cause is psychological rather than physiological.
Create an action plan. Establish a clear process of how you will evaluate and address symptoms when they arise. Share the plan with your child in advance to set clear expectations that can be consistently followed.
2. The Rubble of Broken Relationships
Child: “I can’t go—my best friend hates me!”
Parent: “Totally understandable. I’m not going to work because my colleague Susan is awful.”
Pro Tips:
Empathy First: Acknowledge their feelings. Can you remember a time you felt like you didn’t belong or were unwanted? Awful, right? Negative social situations are uncomfortable and often trigger avoidance.
Problem-Solve: Discuss what parts of the day are they most concerned about and potential ways of handling the situation. Often discussing in advance how your child may handle social times like recess or lunch, may help lower feelings of dread and lessen the desire for avoidance.
Role-Playing: Ruptures in relationships offer an incredible opportunity to discuss conflict resolution strategies as well as how to advocate for personal boundaries. Practice scenarios with them. Pretend to be their friend and work through the conversation. Bonus points if you use silly voices.
3. The Mean Teacher
Child: “My teacher is SO mean!” Parent: “Solidarity, kid. My boss makes me cry in my office every day.”
Pro Tips:
Work Smarter, Not Harder (With the School’s Help)
Take their fears seriously, investigate, and, if necessary, engage the school system to address the problem. While it’s true that anxious children can be highly sensitive to even gentle feedback, it’s also possible that adults, especially when frustrated, may become harsh or even demeaning. Approaching your child with belief and trust not only strengthens your relationship but also encourages them to open up and share what specifically feels upsetting to them.
Be an advocate for your child. Whether the issue stems from a “mean teacher” or a “sensitive child,” any perceived strain in the child-teacher relationship that contributes to school avoidance is crucial to address. Engaging in open communication and collaboration with the teacher or school administrators is essential to finding a solution and supporting your child’s well-being.
Consider a change: If you have investigated and addressed issues, without seeing improvements, it may be time to consider a change.
“WAIT! Won’t that just teach my child to run away, rather than stay to build resilience and work through adversity?!?!”
Not necessarily. Not only can this action improve your child’s attendance, it offers a different but equally valuable lesson—that there is more than one way to move forward. Helping children recognize their inner voice that says, “I am miserable in this situation,” and teaching them that they can step away from toxic situations or relationships when speaking up is failing to change the dynamic - fosters both confidence and independence. Empowered children grow into empowered, self-assured adults.
4. The Eternal Negotiator
Child: "If I go to school today, can I have a pet unicorn by Friday?"
Parent: "Sure, and if you go every day for the next week, I'll also arrange for a private concert by your favorite band in the living room."
The lure of peaceful mornings through negotiation can be as tempting as providing chocolate cake for dinner. Sounds great in theory but the reality is that it will cause more harm in the long run in the form of cavities and diabetes. It is often hard to find true motivation through material things and as your child gets older, the necessary rewards will become more and more expensive (gaming computers, cars, or spring break trip to Cancun, anyone?).
Pro Tips:
Stay Firm but Empathetic: Acknowledge their feelings and effort, but remind them that attending school is an expectation, not a transaction.
Reframe the Conversation: “Praise the try” rather than the outcome - focus on supporting their feelings about school and celebrate their efforts and progress toward overcoming resistance.
Avoid Over-Negotiation: Establish clear boundaries, and if rewards are part of your strategy, decide on them in advance rather than allowing new negotiations to happen in the moment.
Intentional Actions: Managing After the Meltdown
Celebrate Small Wins. It can be helpful to jot down notes regarding where your child is now—attendance, symptom complaints, or duration at school—and track weekly progress to make it easier to notice small steps in the right direction. Highlight small successes and praise their effort, focusing on steps toward improvement rather than shortcomings of the final goal. Positive reinforcement can be a powerful motivator for a child facing anxiety or depression.
Bribery vs. Incentives: What's the Difference?
Bribery is reactive and happens in the heat of the moment—like offering candy to stop a tantrum—which teaches that misbehavior leads to rewards. In contrast, incentives are determined and discussed in advance. They are proactive and based on clear expectations, rewarding positive behavior after the fact. For example, a sticker chart for school attendance with a small treat after a successful week encourages effort and progress. To use positive reinforcement effectively, keep rewards small, specific, and tied to consistent effort. Opt for realistic incentives, like extra screen time or a special treat, and for older students, consider larger rewards for sustained progress, such as improved attendance over a quarter. Relational rewards, such as family activities or shared projects, are also great options that foster connection without any cost.
The Triumph of Reaching the Summit
Managing school avoidance is no easy feat, but with humor, creativity, and a dash bucket of patience, you can transform those morning battles into moments of bonding. Remember, even the most determined school avoiders can be coaxed back to the classroom with the right mix of empathy and consistent structure. So, raise your coffee mug and toast to survive another day in the wild world of parenting. You've got this!
Coming soon: Part 3
Part 1 & Part 2 of our 3-part series has offered beginning strategies to disrupt the established pattern of conflict that often results from school refusal. With a lot of patience, a little humor, and structured support, you can transform school mornings from chaos into opportunities for growth.
Stay tuned for Part 3, where we’ll cover in-home strategies to influence motivation and a return to long-term attendance.
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